Since when did I get robbed of my spontaneity?
It doesn’t make sense to call ourselves ugly, because we don’t really see ourselves. We don’t watch ourselves sleeping in bed, curled up and silent with chests rising and falling with our own rhythm. We don’t see ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing. You don’t see yourself looking at someone with love and care inside your heart. There’s no mirror in your way when you’re laughing and smiling and happiness is leaking out of you. You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in the moments where you are truly yourself.
Did you know that people on facebook purposely try to appear happier than they actually are? Fb is just another place to create envy. If there wasn’t already enough reason for you to not feel happy with what you have.
Your life is not an episode of Skins. Things will never look quite as good as they do in a faded, sun-drenched Polaroid; your days are not an editorial from Lula. Your life is not a Sofia Coppola movie, or a Chuck Palahniuk novel, or a Charles Bukowski poem. Grace Coddington isn’t your creative director. Bon Iver and Joy Division don’t play softly in the background at appropriate moments. Your hysterical teenage diary isn’t a work of art. Your room probably isn’t Selby material. Your life isn’t a Tumblr screencap. Every word that comes out of your mouth will not be beautiful and poignant, infinitely quotable. Your pain will not be pretty. Crying till you vomit is always shit. You cannot romanticize hurt. Or sadness. Or loneliness. You will have homework, and hangovers and bad hair days. The train being late won’t lead to any fateful encounters, it will make you late. Sometimes your work will suck. Sometimes you will suck. Far too often, everything will suck - and not in a Wes Anderson kind of way. And there is no divine consolation - only the knowledge that we will hopefully experience the full spectrum - and that sometimes, just sometimes, life will feel like a Coppola film.
Movies ruined our point of view. We are so full of expectations of things that will likely never happen that we are now completely unable to appreciate what we do have. The world of the average man has become too wide for him to be possibly happy. Ignorance is a blessing. Now subliminal envy rules everyone’s life.
Yet I can’t live without them anymore. They’re the only way I can still feel…. alive.
Yeah, I’m 25, and I’m still waiting for this to happen to me. People are just lucky, getting things without even trying. I have been living a different reality where you don’t get anything for free and surprises are nearly always bad surprises. Besides primary needs maybe, yeah let’s be honest.